Adapted from: Rav Yaakov Bender on Chumash 2

לֹא יָבֹא עַמּוֹנִי וּמוֹאָבִי בִּקְהַל ה’ גַּם דּוֹר עֲשִׂירִי לֹא יָבֹא לָהֶם בִּקְהַל ה’ עַד עוֹלָם. עַל דְּבַר אֲשֶׁר לֹא קִדְּמוּ אֶתְכֶם בַּלֶּחֶם וּבַמַּיִם בַּדֶּרֶךְ בְּצֵאתְכֶם מִמִּצְרָיִם.

An Ammoni and a Moavi shall not enter the congregation of Hashem, even the tenth generation shall not enter the congregation of Hashem, to eternity, because of the fact that they did not greet you with bread and water on the road when you were leaving Mitzrayim (23:4-5).

Even though the children of the nations of the world have the option of converting and marrying into Klal Yisrael, the sons of Ammon and Moav are not allowed to do so, even the tenth generation.

In the next pasuk, the Torah tells us why: Because they did not greet you with bread and water on the road when you were leaving Mitzrayim.

They are eternally banned from marrying into our nation, but converts from Mitzrayim, who are also precluded from marrying into the congregation of Hashem, may join starting with the third generation.

Why are the nations of Ammon and Moav penalized so much more severely than Mitzrayim, who oppressed and brutalized us so?

Because Mitzrayim extended hospitality toward us. The children of Yaakov Avinu found respite there from the hunger. Yosef was royalty. They had yeshivos in Goshen.

Then the servitude started, but still, we were guests in their land, and for this, their schar remains.

The smallest act lives on and the Ribbono shel Olam pays back.

But there is something here beyond the schar as well. Ammon and Moav, children of Lot, had been exposed to the chessed of Avraham Avinu, but they did not reciprocate, acting with cruelty and spite.

Cruelty of heart goes from generation to generation, as does kindness.

The Derashos HaRan asks why Avraham Avinu preferred that Yitzchak marry a girl from his family rather than a daughter of Canaan: Were they not all the same idol-worshipers?

Dei’os, says the Ran, ideology, is not transmitted from parent to child, but character traits remain in a family.

To be a Yid is to serve with heart. Rachmana liba ba’ei, the Merciful One desires the heart. Ammon and Moav, lacking in heart, cannot fully be a part of us, but Mitzrayim, who has shown kindness, can eventually join Khal Hashem.

The Torah never explicitly tells us to be good people, but every din and halachah is a means of refining our character. One of the three inherent characteristics of a Yid is gomlei chassadim, people who instinctively do chessed.

R’ Moshe Feinstein once said that he was not a bigger meikil, more lenient than other poskim, in areas of helping agunos. Rather, he said, he sees the tears of the women who come before him and he does not allow himself to forget them, exerting himself over the sugya and poskim again and again in the hope of granting them some relief from their plight.

Rachmana, the Ribbono shel Olam is called, and the Torah meant to imbue us with that compassion.

My brother-in-law R’ Chaim Epstein once gave a shmuess to chassanim, discussing shalom bayis. He used the example of a sincere chassan who wants to have a happy home, so he reads all the guides on marriage and how to show respect for a wife.

Not long after the chasunah, he and his wife are walking and the woman’s shoe falls off and tumbles down the stairs. She stands there, with one shoe off and one shoe on, looking helpless while he stares right back, unsure what to do.

Finally, he shrugs and says, “The books never discuss this situation.”

R’ Chaim went on to explain that being a good person is not a list of “dos” and “don’ts,” and that a young man with seichel understands what to do in that situation as well, even if he was not specifically prepared for it.

That’s why we learn Torah, and through doing so, we become more refined, more kind, and more sensitive.

Those whose hearts are blocked by callousness have no connection to Torah, and thus, they will never be a part of us.